If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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