We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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