I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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