Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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