thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
