he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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