the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
