well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
