He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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