And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
