He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
