Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She needs sedatives and a leash
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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