I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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