5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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