did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
