Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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