I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
BRING THE BAGELS
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
