every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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