Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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