I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
