I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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