and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
