He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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