No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
