If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
