i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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