Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
