i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
