I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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