I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
