when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
