hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
