I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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