a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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