Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
