Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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