Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
