Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
