You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
