you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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