don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
