Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
