i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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