I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
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