All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
