I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
