So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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