Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Vodka?
Forever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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