Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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