the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
