I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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