I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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