and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
