when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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