This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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