having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
